three days' drive

i always imagined being a mom with my mom.

my nana and grampie were really close to us - when i was really young, they came over almost every day, and when i was 4, we moved into a house just 2 houses away from them.  i remember being at their place as much as at our own.

i guess when i was a kid i just thought that was what my life would be like as a mom too.  with my mom in the kitchen alongside me - hers, mine, whichever, and my kids hearing her stories and growing up eating her cooking and rummaging through her cupboards for toblerones or liquorice. :)

it feels weird, when i stop and think about it, to have this house so empty and silent through the day.  i wish i had my mom to laugh with over the funny and silly things sam does, the hilarious noises vava makes.  i wish i was chatting with her about the inconsequential everyday things - the great sausages i got at the deli, and the neighbours' new truck, and the best way to keep squirrels off the deck.  i wish there was someone who really would pop in and love us even if the laundry wasn't folded and sam was tracking mud in and out ten times a day.  i wish there was someone who would call out "love you!" even if i was just running upstairs to get sam out of his crib.

i never imagined i would be raising my kids so far away from my family.  it's really hard.  and i make so many mistakes, and they loom large when i look around and there's just us.  no one else to say "pfft, they'll be fine" when i start to worry.  no one else to hug my kids and be proud of them when they succeed at little things, or to laugh at them so much that they find it easy to laugh at themselves.

the happy, full busyness of a big family is such a gift.

wrap your arms around the people who sit at your table and look at their beautiful faces and put that picture on your mental desktop forever.

i miss you, mom. some days i just want to hop in the car and drive and drive and drive until i get to your door.

xo

snapshot

dear sam and vava:
today is may 29, 2013.  your new cousin miquella was born today!  it feels like the two of you were just born yesterday, so i wanted to take a minute to savour what you're like before i blink and you're standing in front of me with your own kids in your arms.

sam, you are almost 27 months old ... 2 years and 3 months! wow.  you're sitting on the couch right now, watching the incredibles before bed.  you love the running and throwing and laughing. 
this afternoon you came running across the yard to me, gleeful, with a dandelion in each hand.  i was thrilled - was my baby boy actually bringing me flowers, unprompted by papa?  you ran fast, zoomed up onto the deck and stood in front of me.  you yelled something excitedly, then stuffed a dandelion into both of your ears, and spread your arms wide.  "ta-dah!"  you announced.  you were so proud of yourself.  i love every silly inch of you :).
after supper tonight, vava was lying on the floor, kicking her feet and waving her arms.  you helped her roll over and over, all by yourself.  she loved it.  you're such a helper!
a minute ago, you looked up from the movie and we had this funny chat.
     me: sam, do you want to go to bed?
     you (adamantly): no!
     me: sam, do you want to put on your jams?
     you (adamantly): no!
     me: sam, do you want mama to read you your bedtime story?
     you (adamantly): no!
     me (laughing): sam, do you want a pinch on the bum?
     you (compliantly): yes.
oh sam.  i love you so so much.  thanks for being so much fun.

vava, you are seven and a half months old.  you are absolutely amazing.  you can say mama, papa, bye-bye, hi, boo, bottle, and ham (which means sam).  you wave whenever you hear hi or bye-bye, and you clap when someone says yay.  you can roll over and over, and you love to take steps while i hold your hands.  you adore music and singing and whistling.  you're really content and you like to just hang out.   
earlier, you were sitting on a blanket on the bathroom floor.  you discovered that you can put your hands on the linoleum and pull yourself forward.  you scooted the whole way across the bathroom like that.  you little champ.

so.  that's what you're like right now.  delicious and adorable and wonderful.  and sometimes we drive each other crazy, but always always always we're happy to be together.

time to put on your jams ... 

cute scraps

yesterday, vava gave me her first kisses.  we were out for dinner at our friends' place, and she decided it was the opportune time.  i loved it.

sam has started this new thing, where he says no really long and drawn out.  i was wondering where he heard it, until my neighbour said it to him this morning when he saw him climbing.  nooooooooooo.  haha.  little copier.

the other night, one of the kids cried out in their sleep.  i wasn't sure who, so i tiptoed in to check on them.  they were both sound asleep, and facing each other from their separate cribs on opposite ends of the room.  i tucked their blankets around them and left ... too much cuteness to bear :).

sam calls boots "doots" and shoes "shoo-iss".  he loves bubbles and calls them b'balls.

vava's a pro at saying words that begin with b - bye-bye, bottle, and boo! :D  she wants to do everything her big brother does, and i think it won't be too long before she's scooting around after him. 

when they wake up from nighttime or naps, they just want to be in each others' faces, giggling and hugging.  i love these nuggets!

balloon

you precious amalgamation

precariously knit

shreds of skin and bone

you hum with life

shot-through with veins of red and blue

how vibrant and vivid and impossible you are.

i want to wrap you up inside my jacket

and keep you there, a joey.

instead, i let the long string unfurl

you tug and arc and pull

higher in the wind 

and the beckoning blue sky

i can't

i must

you grow

i cry

good

bye

my

d

   a

    r

       l

            i

                 n

                      g

they forgot me (shereadstruth)

SheReadsTruth challenged us to read the book of hosea with our eyes open for God's heart.  

the more i read it with that filter on my mind, the more surprised i am.  13:6 in particular took my breath away - because He's hurt!  can God be ... hurt?  i never thought about it like that before.  but He can.  He is. 

check this out:

"... they were filled, and their heart was lifted up; therefore they forgot me."  isn't it strange?  there's almost a note of something forlorn there at the end.  "they forgot me."  the sort of thing a fifth child might say after being abandoned at pizza hut ;).

but hosea provided for his wife - everything she needed.  and when she had her fill of grain and gold, she forgot him completely.  she was busy with her lovers - what did she need her husband for?   everything - her food, her clothes, her jewels - passed through her hands, and she didn't stop to think "this came from my husband!"  or even "thanks, hosea."  just - nothing.  she forgot him.



and he didn't quit.  he kept on trying to get her back.  he kept pursuing her.  gently.  fiercely.  in love.



God is the same way!



everything i have and enjoy - the very breath in my lungs, the heart beating in my chest - is a gift from Him.  my kids.  my husband.  food.  shelter.  joy.  friendship.  sunshine.  and instead of turning to him in thanks and delight, i treat these things as if they've always been mine. 



and i'm ashamed to admit that i'm worse than petulant if i find myself without something i think i ought to have.



but still He loves me.  clearly, not because of good in me (i'm gomer!), but because of His joyful, generous, blessed, loving, committed heart.



i think that's what gets me at baptisms and weddings.  there's this moment when two declare "we are one.  we bind ourselves to each other!" and it's for better or worse, for always.  i cry like a teenage girl.  because i know there isn't any one of us who deserve that kind of commitment from Him.  but He gives it anyway.



"they forgot me."



you know in gone with the wind, how scarlett is always pining after ashley, even though rhett is the one taking care of her?  and the whole frustrating awfulness is that anyone can see scarlett isn't worth rhett's effort, but he still tries and tries and tries, even though she's selfish and vain.  and then in the end, she realizes what she has in rhett, and the weight of his love overwhelms her - but she's too late.  she's too late.  she rushes to him and confesses her love, but his heart has been broken by her faithlessness, and there's nothing left in it for her.



i keep expecting God to be like rhett, and to just wash his hands of his faithless, selfish, idolatrous people.



wouldn't you?



but He doesn't.  bless Him.  He doesn't!  He still loves.  it still hurts him to be forgotten. 



there's so much more.  He doesn't stand idly by and let his people wallow in their sin.  He roars and fights and conquers.  but that little verse just stuck with me - that cry of  His hurting heart.

street sweet

couldn't go to bed without popping online and telling you about our night!  we went out for a walk, and the street looked empty.  we didn't see anyone the whole length of the street.  but we started out anyway.

when we got to the second-last block, two girls came around the corner and started walking up the street.  when they passed us, we said hi - they said hi back - and then smiled all recognize-y and said "sup?"  :D 
and on our way back, we passed them at their usual post, and stopped for a quick chat.  they asked if we were sisters :)  we told them we get that a lot.

oh, i'm so glad they were comfortable chatting with us!  i just want to be friends.
and i feel like they feel like they know us - at least, we're familiar -
and they like us!
and i think they get that we like them too.

God bless you, girls!