I wrote this piece and performed it at a spoken word event last fall. Bringing it out again because I need the reminder these days.
Xo.
I’ve never
Been very good at thriving.
A month after I was born, the doctor sent me back to the hospital, because
While other babies squalled for milk
All I wanted to do was sleep.
He told my mother to hold on, and
They cared for me with bottle after bottle after bottle
Until, inevitably, I grew.
I was four years old
The first time I thought about suicide.
(Of course
I didn’t know its name and so
I didn’t really think about it so much as ached for it,
Longed to disappear fierce and sudden like a lightning bolt.)
I spent most of my childhood
Living in other worlds
With so much more than just my nose stuck in a book
Sometimes I would surface from the pages and take a moment to remember where I was.
Coming back to my own life was
Almost always a disappointment.
I particularly loved The legend of Tam Lin, who is captured by fairy folk, and how his brave beloved Janet rescues him.
At midnight one All Hallows Eve, she waits by the crossroads where the goblins and witches will pass on their way to sacrifice Tam Lin to the spirit world.
The night is dark and she hides in her hooded cloak while the dreadful procession approaches. Her heart pounds and her knees quake but she leaps up and wraps her arms around Tam Lin and defies them to make her let go.
The wicked Fairy Queen casts spell after spell on Tam Lin, turning him into a biting swan, a fierce lion, a pillar of fire.
But
Janet holds on
Through the biting, the roaring, the burning, until the magic tricks are spent, and the evil ones shriek with rage as they slink away without Tam Lin.
I used to read that with a shiver and a thrill, longing to be like Janet
But missing the metaphor entirely.
When I was thirteen I
Met Jesus and
Had a Very Hard Time with the concept of Heaven.
Not that I disbelieved it -
No, I believed it
A lot.
I wanted to go there more than I wanted to meet my friends at the mall
More than I wanted to find my place in the world and
More than I wanted to face a barrage of days and
More than I wanted to endure
The sheer difficulty of existing
Here.
A
Very hard time
With the concept of Heaven.
Recently a friend asked me about perseverance
And I found myself telling her the Legend of Tam Lin and
The importance of holding on
When life feels like a biting
A roaring,
A burning.
And it gave her hope.
The irony was not lost on me.
And when I was mulling it over with Jesus
He said
Look at your life.
And I looked.
And it was good. And I started to weep, because it has always been So Good.
All this time, it has been so good, and yet
It has felt like a monster, a curse.
A biting, a burning, a roaring thing.
My life has been Tam Lin
And Jesus has been my Janet.
I have not
Been holding on at all
I have not
Been holding on at all
I have not
Been holding on at all
(I have never been very good at thriving)
But I have been held.
