dna ... it'll get you every time

i was working on my assessment assignment tonight. i pulled my big comfy easy chair up to the computer, grabbed a glass of water and a tub of that absolutely delicious Exotik yogurt - pina colada, yum! - and settled into my writing rhythm.

my writing rhythm involves reading everyone's blogs and the blogs they link to until i suddenly realize i'm going to be sick i'm so tired. then i start writing because my assignment is due tomorrow.

so i was enjoying my yogurt, prowling through matthew and chera's wedding photography, and doing my best to ignore the vague feeling that there was something i was supposed to be doing. after a while i settled into writing my assessment assignment, and the four pages (plus a chart!) arranged themselves into a coherent unit. i read a few emails (my sister and aunt were feeling witty) and pushed my computer desk out of the way, only to spy my yogurt, still sitting out on the trunk. (what? maybe that's what i'd been feeling i was supposed to be doing.)

hmmm ... is it okay to eat yogurt that's been out of the fridge for two - or three - hours? ...(contemplative stir) ... yep, delicious.

it was at this moment that i realized how much like my father i am.

i grew up watching in awe - and horror - as he sliced the mold off the cheese and ate the good half. he tasted meat that had been in the fridge past its expiry date (expiry date? try dare-me date - it's not green yet). the rest of us nibbled on golden slices while he scraped the burnt blackness off of toaster collateral damage, leaving a film of crunchy fuzz in the sink. i remember one particularly stomach turning moment when he realized the milk in his coffee had turned. nonchalant, he downed it in one swig.

i was sure he had seen (and tasted) much worse growing up on the farm. after all, it takes a special kind of tolerance to drink hot milk straight from the cow. maybe curdles wouldn't taste so bad after that?

after tonight, i'm starting to realize it wasn't necessarily the farm. maybe it was just the same weird sense of stubborn curiosity that i've inherited. the curiosity that makes me taste warm yogurt - just to see if it's still good - or just because i can.

*gross pockets*

i love my dad. i'm glad i inherited more than just his charm and devastating good looks. xox :)

one more good thing

today i realized there is one more good thing about patrick being my nightshiftknight. not only do i get to stretch out in bed as much as i want ...
i now get emails!
we've started emailing each other again. it feels like when we first met - i get such a rush when i open my inbox and there he is.
it's easier to keep in touch this way. because our schedules don't mesh so well, we don't want to waste our cuddling time with blah conversations about paying the power bill or things like that. so we've started keeping an online calendar, and emailing each other.
that way, cuddling gets all the gloriously kissy attention it deserves, and we still manage to keep all the bits of our life safety-pinned together.
given the choice, i'd definitely pick a matching schedule instead of an opposite one. but for now, emails and mad cuddling are doing their bit to fill in the gaps.

happy apple

i had to snag this adorable picture from my sister in law. here is her sweetiepie jelena munching away on an apple. she is one of the cutest, funniest little kids ever. the way she says "ooooooo!" melts her uncle patrick's heart. we can't wait to see her this christmas.

ps i blog when i'm avoiding schoolwork.

high school high

i was back in high school today! i went for observation, to meet my teacher and the kids, and to get comfortable in the school.

high school is so different from junior high - in a million ways, but especially in the freedom that the teachers allow the students to have.
some freedoms are steps that they've earned (like getting to read worksheets on their own, instead of having them read aloud).

and some are freedoms that they get because they're older and can live with the consequences.
these ones, i must say, surprised me a bit. in good way, mostly.
the teacher didn't make a big deal about students who came in late - didn't say anything to them about it, just passed them the work they missed, let them get settled, etc. i asked what the school policy on lates was, and he said it's a point system; the students get points for good attendance, and those points can earn them certain exemptions later in the year. so those who are late know they are only shooting themselves in the foot.
definitely different from junior high.

AND!!! two of my classes have a smartboard! seriously fun. i'm looking forward to using it.

i had a great time in the afternoon with one class. they were working on group work, so the room was buzzing and humming with conversation. i went around to each group and asked the students their names and something interesting about themselves. some were funny, some were serious, some didn't think they had anything interesting to say. but i learned almost everyone's name, just by doing that. i'm definitely going to do it with my other two classes, so i can get them down pat. it's so much easier to call on them by name than to point and hope the right one is looking.

i was really nervous yesterday. i had my first serious vicious heartburn attack ... i think it's because i was so apprehensive about school today. i was in so much pain it definitely took my mind off school - maybe that was my body's ulterior motive. also, i haven't been sleeping well - or much - since patrick started working nights, so maybe functionality decreases with the lack of sleep.

anyway, today was great and i came home and snuggled in bed with my night-shift-knight and slept for five delicious hours. now for the homework marathon ...

the american sentence

The American Sentence was a poetic form established by Allen Ginsberg. It's like a haiku, but without the line divisions. From my extensive research (prowling through a few websites I googled ...), apparently Ginsberg liked the idea of a haiku in English, but felt that the line divisions turned the creation of a haiku into a process of counting, not creating.

So, the American Sentence is a one-line poem, made up of seventeen syllables. I think I'm going to use this poetic form next week with my grade 11s and 12s, to get them started writing poetry. It's simple and short. And even if it still is a process of counting, it's pretty fun.

It's also particularly useful if you want to sound melodramatic:

The fish you gave me leaped out of his bowl; he died of too much freedom.

Her heart is like a blushing red apple with worms digesting the core.

The night was soft with whispers; the trees melted into their own shadows.

I think it should be fun.

how marcella sees it

today i took ashlin and marcella with me to sell cupcakes at the market. they were game to get up early, bundle themselves in about seven layers, and come with me all the way to hubbards.

as we were walking from the car to the community barn, a flock of birds swooped from tree to tree. marcella looked up at them, and shook her head in that resigned, regretful way old people have when they realize times are changing.

"i think birds have forgotten how to fly in vees," she sighed, "i never see them doing it these days."

:) i love my nieces!

while the cat's away ...

the mice will play!

*squeak squeak*

well, of all the creatures in God's green earth that i could conceivably be compared to, mice are probably at the bottom of the list.
however, patrick can purr and he's reasonably furry, so i think i can leave the title as is.

when patrick leaves for work at night, i'm usually pretty tired and think i'm ready for bed. then i go into our room and realize i'm going to have to get into bed all alone and lay there without anyone to talk to or snuggle with, and suddenly i'm not that tired any more.

the first thing i do is turn on some music, then run the water to wash the dishes. (when i'm making patrick's lunch, he's still here and i think i'm sleepy. so i leave the dishes. then, after the bedroom-sigh-notsleepy-music fiasco, i decide i can do the dishes after all. and i'll be glad i did them, in the morning.)

so i do the dishes and listen to music, putter around the house and get ready for bed - again. i pop online and check out facebook or read some blogs.
tonight, i started with patrick's blog. then, i was beguiled by heidi's blog ... and then kennyo's, ashley's, and mark's ... (i realize i am a class one creeper, but the macdonalds & company are very funny and nice people).

now i'm ready for bed and full of cute stories to think about as i stretch out and fall asleep. (that is the one and only good thing about patrick being gone at night ... i can stretch and stretch and stretch and still not push anyone out of bed).

adios, sayonara, goodnight!

a very lucky woman

ever since we moved, patrick has shown me over and over what a lucky woman i am. one day last week, he walked me to class. this week, i was on my way home from school, and he was there to walk home with me.
this morning, he had planned to walk me to school again, but dan and katie came last night so we stayed up really late hanging out with them. so this morning, i told him it was just fine if he stayed in bed, he said yeah, that's what he wanted to do, so i got ready and left.
i was walking along, listening to my ipod. the sky kept leaking drops of rain - it wasn't raining, exactly, but drops were coming down in fits and starts. since i was alone on the sidewalk, i wasn't really worried about anyone overhearing me singing along with the music. after i crossed bayview, more than halfway to school, i glanced back over my shoulder.
standing there, panting his heart out from the run, was patrick!
i was totally surprised, and he gasped "you forgot something really important! it's under my sweater!" i felt in his hoodie pockets for my puffer - my book - what had i forgotten?
"me!" he exclaimed, putting his arms out.
it was the best hug ever.
my husband is the nicest man in the world. he had run more than half of the way to school. then he walked me the rest of the way to class, kissed me goodbye, and went home.

a long journey

i feel like i'm getting back from a long journey. the kind of travel that couldn't be called a trip, the kind that leaves you changed inside - farther away from yourself, somehow, and older.
l.m. montgomery would call it an epoch - such a solid, old fashioned sounding word for "a particular period of time marked by distinctive features, events" (dictionary.com), the distinctive features and events being, of course, the loss of our baby and murky sorrow.

our baby brought us gifts. strange, i thought we were giving him life, but he gave us so much more than we gave him. he gave us the sweet wild happiness of first finding out we were pregnant - that was amazing, fun, dazzling.

then we had the happier joy of sharing the news with everyone, and shared joy is definitely multiplied. it was so fun telling people, and watching them light up and get excited with us.

when the pregnancy was threatened and the doctor put me on bed rest, our baby still kept giving. we hadn't known how loving and tender and thoughtful the christians here could be ... but we received letters and phone calls and emails, and emily even came over and made us supper. everyone shared their love and helped carry our sorrow.

when the baby died, we were so blessed as to have robb and angele visiting. this was one of the nicest, strangest gifts we received ... sharing the joy of being with them at the hardest, most mind-blowing time of our life together.
so, baby: we miss you every day. we miss the happiness you brought and left behind you. we miss the gorgeous way your heart beat and made ours race. we miss the way you reminded us minute-by-minute of God. you gave us so much joy, and when you left you took the very sunshine out of the sky. sometimes i can barely breathe because i miss you so much.

thanks to all of you who carried us in prayer - and to those loved us by sharing your own stories of sorrow and comfort.

september: back to school and a new start. i don't know whether to love or hate every day that takes us further away from our long journey.

bed rest and the baby bean

last week we had an awesome visit from chad and leanne and their adorable little darling, jelena. we had so much fun with them (and seriously not enough sleep) and can't wait until they come back again. which they might do early next year ... when our baby is due.
unfortunately, i'm having complications with the pregnancy. i'm on bed rest for a week, and i'm exhausted with all this laying around. it's SOOOOOOO boring. and after two weeks of contsant rain, the sun is bursting out in all its glory ... while i wimp about it, trapped in our apartment.

okay, there are bright sides to all this. everyone has been so kind and supportive, and i've had phone calls, emails, and visits from friends sharing their love. joey came to visit me three times this week, and nieche and crystal came too, with all their kids, on thursday. mom and dad and aunt jeannette came over last night. emily called and wanted to stop in, but being a genius and self-saboteur, i had accidentally unplugged the phone. so here's hoping she doesn't get discouraged from trying again :).

and one added bonus is my wonderful doctor. she got me in for an ultrasound right away, and this time we got to keep the picture :). so here is our little baby bean, tiny as can be and fighting for life ... but still there :).


thanks to everyone for praying. my Saviour is giving me strength. xo.

the sissy has an ultrasonic day

as it turns out, i'm a sissy. well, to put it more accurately ... a cyst-y. today i found out that i've got a cyst, and that was what had turned me into a wimping (and rather worried) mama-to-be. i've been having a lot of pain the past few days, and i was beginning to fear that my baby (babies?) had hunkered down in my fallopian tubes ... :S.
needless to say, after a few anxious days, today's ultrasound was a big relief.
after a painful walk through a gorgeously green and sunny halifax (hooray for the rain, now that it's gone!), patrick and i sat nervously in the ultrasound room - eyeing the ultrasonic wand with something other than joy and delight. what were we about to discover ... was this so-new pregnancy about to end in sadness? was i going to ever be a mother at all? or, worse thought, was i going to be the new octomom?
all the trepidation disappeared, however, when the doctor showed us a beautiful, healthy, thumping little grain of rice on the screen. when i heard patrick gasp, i could barely look away from the screen to look at his amazing face - we gripped hands and watched our little baby thump thump thump its existence with all its might.
the doctor took a few pictures, did some measuring, and then reassured us about my cyst (apparently everything is okay ... i've just got to stick the pain out for now).
we left the hospital in relief - joy - awe ...
in four weeks, we get to go back and look at the little bean/pickle/belzoir all over again. :). i'm so excited to see how much our baby grows!

birthday pies and bike rides

june 10th was dad's birthday. i promised to bake him a cake, but when i was in the grocery store, i saw pie shells and remembered how much dad likes pie. so instead of a cake, i made him two birthday pies!
this was all fine and dandy. however ...
patrick and i are selling our car. it needs an inspection and we've taken the insurance off it. we got bikes to get around town, but when it came time to take the pies over to mom and dad's place ...
undaunted, we packed each pie into a reusable grocery bag with wide flat bottoms (the kind you get when you eat too much pie). then we slung the bags around our necks and the pies hung down in front of our bellies (the kind you get when you eat too much pie). then we had the most bow-legged bike-trip over to mom and dad's ...
people looked at us like we were crazy (we probably were) and i hardly dared do a shoulder check in case i upset the pie. patrick got tired of having his hung around his neck, and moved it to his handlebar. i groaned inside everytime his knee went up - bonk, up - bonk ...
but at long last, the pies arrived safely (a little jiggled - but intact).
:)
the ride home was much more fun. the night air was warm and soft, and traffic was so light we even rode side by side and held hands for a bit. coming home after a bike ride is so much more satisfying than coming home after a trip in the car ... and i think patrick loves it because i can't backseat drive - i'm too busy riding my own bike to give him advice ;)