poured out

school has been really rough this past week. i feel ready to give up.
because no matter what i do, how much i care or give or plan or mark or try, my kids hate me. they don't want to be in class and they don't want to learn.

i feel empty and pointless.

poured out.

imagine a crystal pitcher, filled with clear, sweet, ice-cold water. the sun sparkles through it, condensation slides down the side. everyone who drinks from the pitcher celebrates the goodness of the water, appreciates its coldness, its refreshment. if the water had any sensibility, it would know that it is valuable. its pouring out would be worthwhile, and it would rejoice to be spent.

when king david was fighting, three of his warriors risked their lives to get him a drink from the well he longed for, near bethlehem.

when they brought it to him, he would not drink it but poured it out on the ground.

i imagine that that water, soaking into the ground, would not sense itself to be appreciated, valuable, worthy ... no, not even useful. in fact, it could even understandably be bitter - pulled from the well where thirsty people greet it gladly - now, splashed into the mud, rejected, useless.

the king's perspective, of course, was entirely different. the water was too valuable for him to drink, it symbolized the blood spilled by his men who loved him and spent their lives recklessly for him.

sometimes, God uses us for things we understand. we know that we are valuable and He is using us, carrying us in His hand for a clear purpose. being poured out at these times is a bright joy, a privilege, a higher calling. we rejoice to suffer, to be spent, to endure.

sometimes, though, it just seems pointless. we can't see God, and there seems to be no way He could be planning this murky pouring-out. we are spent, but there seems to be no gain on the other side. we are always losing, and for what benefit?

"Measure thy life by loss instead of gain;
Not by the wine drunk but by the wine poured out." - Ugo Bassi

we have no hope but this ... that our pouring out is an echo of His pouring out; our hearts, being broken, are being broken like His; our lives can be recklessly abandoned, as His was so freely given.

and He will keep pouring us out. our lives are not ours so we can be valued and appreciated.

our lives are His to pour out.

so what does this mean, to me, struggling and sick of my students and all their angst? where is God in my high school, what is His plan?

His plan has always been to make me more like Jesus. i am experiencing brokenness, i am enduring humility, i am increasingly helpless. my own strength was spent long ago, and i am running on empty. and if i am measuring my life by loss instead of gain ... there is at least something to measure. i have lost my preconceptions of myself as a good teacher. i have lost my complacency about classroom management. i have lost full nights of sleep. i have lost time spent with patrick. i have lost any sense of why i thought i would ever be any good at this in the first place.

i am being poured out.

New Semester

Today is the first day of the semester. I loved getting to know my new students - learning their names, and getting to know a little bit about them.
In one class, we made a talent chain: every student listed a talent on a piece of colored paper and we created a paper chain.
I was totally surprised by the talents in this class.
Languages people can speak: Arabic, Portuguese, Spanish, French
Instruments people can play: trombone, trumpet, drums, bagpipes (bagpipes?!), saxophone, piano, guitar ... I think a jam session should be an optional assignment :).
Other interesting talents - eyebrow plucking, reading aloud, writing poetry, selecting good music, synchronized swimming, car repair, spelling ...
These kids are awesome.

One thing that saddened me today was an unprovoked expression of hatred for a group of people. How to deal with that? I don't know.

I'm thinking of Erin Gruwell and the Freedom Writers, who learned about hatred and intolerance by reading about the holocaust. This helped them to see that hatred of groups is irrational and harmful.

Perhaps I will do The Chrysalids with this class. It talks about Tolerance and Communication. There is a lot to pull out of it.

Anyway, overall - an awesome day. My students are funny, smart, creative, and talented. I'll have to do a lot to challenge and channel that potential.

really busy week

ahhhhhh.
sigh of relief that this week is over.
i was insanely busy on practicum this week. it was the last week of the semester, so kids were handing in late assignments all week, on top of their regular work. i think i have a cramp in my hand from editing essays.
also, my inner editor has had too much free reign.
patrick was talking to me, and my inner editor said, "sentence fragment. awkward wording. revise."
seriously.

last night was fun: a bunch of friends came over for a sandwich party (even though i had sent out an invitation and ignored them all for the rest of the week), and we played a homemade version of catch-phrase afterward.
today was also fun: ang hosted a baby shower for reemo, and it was done in her trademark better-than-martha style. (homemade pompoms, fruit skewers, fresh flowers, just to name a few of the delicious details)
tonight we hung out at bekah's and then hit the hill behind gorsebrook jr high ... best sledding ever. the sky was starry and when i laid at the bottom of the hill after a whooshy ride down, the stars glimmered at me.

i'm looking forward to exam week next week. no classes to teach and a lot of marking to do (and i'm already used to that ...). here's hoping we get all the marking done during school hours!
ha.
(sentence fragment. revise).

i love him

i called my sister today, but she wasn't home. her cute mother-in-law was watching the kids, and just when we were about to hang up, she said "oh, oh, laurie wants to talk to you."
so my sweet little lolo came on the phone and told me she was doing her homework. she had to make sentences for a list of words. she needed a sentence with "him" in it.
i asked her what she does to her papa. she told me, "i love him!"

which is pretty much the best sentence in the world.

i was really tear-y tonight when patrick went to work (stress-residue from my first day back at school i think). he's just so awesome, and it's hard now that i'm working all day because i don't even get to see him in the mornings anymore. i'm gone before he gets home. so it's really hard to say goodbye for a whole day, every night.

when i came home from school today, i had a bath and watched tv. patrick woke up and noticed how tired i was. so he put me to bed, then crawled in with me to read. i asked him if he'd mind reading me to sleep ... so he did. then he got up and made himself supper and did the dishes. he takes good care of me. i feel ridiculously spoiled, especially because he does things for me when i have no energy or time to reciprocate.

what do i do to patrick? i love him.

beautiful things that last forever

pettiness.
selfishness.
thoughtlessness.
greed.
ignorance.
foolishness.
legalism.
addictions.
depression.
sorrow.
cruelty.
carelessness.

sometimes all the ickiness of the world just seems to come at once. flying on new year's day, with bad weather and delayed flights, patrick and i saw so many short tempers and inconsiderate actions. the young guy waiting at the gate who sprawled on four seats, watching a movie on his laptop while other passengers had to sit on the floor or remain standing. the middle aged man who yelled at the stewardess for the flight's being late. the sour-looking couple who eyed nearby children angrily.
what a little difference some consideration would have made. some understanding. some kindness, some love.
sometimes it just seems like there isn't any goodness in the world. i can't wait to get to heaven and expand my lungs to breathe in the sheer goodness of a place without sin.
And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.
And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. (Revelation 21:4-5)

all things shall be made new. all of the ugliness of the world will be erased. all of the grime that gets on our souls and makes us so tired ... washed away.

and just when i was longing for heaven, God reminded me that yes, there are some beautiful things that will last forever. even some things we have here on earth.

adoration was the first one He pointed out. we will adore Him and praise Him forever - and we can start that here, our praise and worship and love start here (even in the middle of grouchy days and impossible passengers). then i started looking for more. here are a few things i found that will last for ever ... things we can enjoy here and now, too.

the mercy of the Lord is everlasting (psalm 100:5)
righteousness is everlasting. (psalm 119:144)
the joy of the ransomed will be everlasting. (isaiah 35:10)
the kingdom of the Lord is everlasting. (daniel 7:27)
the life He gives is everlasting. (john 4:14)
the gospel is everlasting. (revelation 14:6)

hope. love. joy. kindness. caring. gratitude.
praise will last forever.
(incidentally, i'm listening to a nigerian praise song on youtube, and they start off with "are you from the east? west? north? south? rise up on your feet, let's get your praise on! amen!")

a night owl and the theory of time

i've realized why i love being awake at night after everyone else has gone to bed. it's probably the same reason why some people love mornings ...
quietness, solitude, and freedom.
late at night, when patrick leaves for work (my equivalent of people going to bed, i guess!), i lock the door behind him and start setting up. lately i've been setting up the livingroom as a giant craftsroom - breaking out the christmas supplies, tape, and wrapping paper. i put on a christmas movie, or maybe an episode of "how clean is your house" or "supernanny" - anything really - and listen to the show while i putter away at making things.
before christmas, it was schoolwork that kept me busy (although i usually just turned on the radio while i worked on that!). sometimes it's housework. whatever it is, it's nice to work at my own pace as long as i want, without anything else demanding my time. now that i'm out of school and working evenings, i don't have to worry about waking up at a certain time. i can sleep in if i happen to stay up too late. i can nap. i can have a bath in the middle of the day.
at night, it's like space and time spread outward instead of tunneling forward. time stretches, expands, and grows quiet.
owls are wise ... nighttime is a good time to be awake.

typewrecks: pique

i am a blog addict. i love to prowl from blog to blog to blog, reading, looking at pictures, laughing, crying, bookmarking recipes ...
however, my blog-reading is continually interrupted by the unpleasant presence of typos, bad spelling, and poor grammar.
spellcheck has done a lot to alleviate the pandemic of bad spelling. however, homonyms are toxic for spellcheck.
today's typewrecker is guilty of an all-too-common wreck:
"I decided to post a few pictures to peek your interest."
are you planning on peering through my computer screen to take a look at my face when i see your pictures, typewrecker?
peek - a quick or furtive look or glance; peep
peak - the pointed top of anything. - or - the highest or most important point or level.
pique - to affect with sharp irritation and resentment - or - to excite (interest, curiosity, etc.)

giving myself slack

ever since i lost the baby, i've had waves of craziness. i know this is probably mostly hormone induced, but sometimes the smallest things seem like the BIGGEST ISSUES - and vice versa. i get it - i understand that my perspective is awry just now - and i know i need to cut myself some slack. but listening to your reasonable inner voice is pretty hard when you're swamped with stormy hormones and legitimate difficulties.
so this note is my reminder to myself to cut myself some slack.

dear janelle:
sometimes you're going to react in weird ways to things and your friends will be astonished. sometimes the 'you' that shows up on the outside will not be a good translation of the 'you' you were intending on the inside. sometimes you'll miss opportunities you wanted to take, and sometimes you'll make choices you'll regret and sometimes you'll just be lame. it's okay. life is hard and no one is perfect and it's even okay if you don't try to be perfect.
(for now. later, i'm going to kick your butt and motivate you into trying to be the best person you can be. these days, though, i just want you to know that surviving is enough).
there's lots of time to work on improvement. that can come later. today is just about putting one hour after another and making it to the end of the day.
put your unreasonable expectations on the back shelf. who you are is okay. the world will keep spinning, just as it is.
with love and mercifully low expectations,
your self.

now get back to class ...

Before You Call, I Will Answer

Be near me, Lord Jesus, I ask You to stay
Close by me forever, and love me, I pray
Bless all the dear children in Thy tender care,
And take us to Heaven to live with Thee there.
Away in a Manger

Listen to Me, O house of Jacob,
And all the remnant of the house of Israel,
You who have been borne by Me from birth
And have been carried from the womb;
Even to your old age I will be the same,
And even to your graying years I will bear you!
I have done it, and I will carry you;
And I will bear you and I will deliver you.
Isaiah 46

where's the salt?!?!

*with apologies to robb, for still being the same

it's 1:33 am. i can't sleep. the delectable smell of fresh, hot, buttery popcorn is wafting through my apartment and torturing me.
one of my neighbours apparently has a thing for aromatic&salty midnight snacks. if it keeps up, i'll find myself knocking on their door in my pjs with eyes as big as saucers (going round and round), holding out a bowl.
please sir, may i have a little more?
this is the third night in a row. i'm hoping they only bought a box of three packages, otherwise, i'm in for another agonizing night tomorrow.
i'll be lying in bed, trying (somewhat successfully) to get comfortable and (less successfully) to forget about the mound of assignments weighing me down. then, as the first shades of sleep begin to close in on me ... the golden aroma will hover on the air. at first, it will just be a hint of thought of popcorn. what's that? sleep will ask, and fly out the door. you know i brook no rivals, she'll shrug, and disappear.
i'll bury my head under the pillows, and try to smell the laundry soap, the scent of patrick's aftershave on the pillowcase ...
but the hot buttery goodness will not be so easily deterred.
i'll count sheep. i'll try to name a place starting with every letter of the alphabet. i'll close my eyes and think of rose gardens in the sunshine. i'll try to recite all the verses i've got memorized. but it will fail! it will fail!
i'll forget everything and find myself sitting upright, smiling dreamily, breathing in the tantalizing scent of popcorn.
desperate, i'll launch myself out of bed and rummage through the cupboard. but my rational self from daylight hours has forseen this midnight scrounging, and there is nothing aromatic or salty to be found. herbal tea, stray packages of jello, and pancake mix will stare blandly back at me.
i'll turn to the fridge. yogurt, smug in its saltless state, will sit benignly on the shelf. pickles will whisper, we're good enough. but they won't be. toast will suggest, try me with butter. but it's all hollow, compared with the poppylicious butteriffic finger-licking saltiness of popcorn.
i'll drift mournfully to my blog, to console myself with the slight comfort of shared misery. then i'll go back to bed, and lie mournfully awake, until the fragrance of popcorn settles for the night.

gingerbread toffee

now that assignments are piling up and i have lots of things due, i'm wasting much more time on the internet. avoidance is the best type of procrastination. it transforms an occasional procrastinator into an olympic gold medalist procrastinator.
one of the things i like to do is prowl through blogs. people write the craziest things. i learned how to fold a tshirt in 2 seconds (honestly, it's the coolest trick) and the fastest way to peel a boiled egg.
eventually i came across a sweet blogger from sweden who loves to cook and bake - acatinthekitchen.com - and she posts recipes as well as stories about making the food, serving it to friends, etc. i spent far too long reading through her posts, and suddenly came upon a recipe that seemed so simple and delicious i had to try it.
gingerbread toffee, ladies and gentlemen, after one batch, has become my new christmas tradition.
:) yum!
and now i have a whole new way to procrastinate ... slurp!

you know i love christmas ... i always will ...

listening to "christmas is all around" from Love Actually - which i actually love.
i love this time of year.
i used to hate it. before i met patrick, christmas was the suckiest time of year. i used to sprawl in the livingroom wishing for good christmases to come - the house was dark, the christmas lights were soft and glowy, snow fell thick and heavy, and mysterious packages collected under the tree. in spite of all this christmas loveliness, well, ... "all i really wanted was" ... hahah, actually jeff robichaud, usually. i wanted him to stop asking me what he should buy his girlfriend for christmas, and buy me something instead. (okay, he usually did buy me something too - he was a great friend, and i shouldn't've complained).
my sisters had boyfriends and got to go out, wear pretty clothes, and hang up their bouquets of roses to dry next to the tree. i got to babysit on new years eve and knew no one would ever kiss me at the stroke of midnight. i was the ugliest of ducklings.
i think christmases cemented my desire to be a teacher. i knew no one would ever love me and want to make twinkly christmas magic together - so at least, if i was a teacher i could take trips away at christmas time. i could travel and hole up in a hotel somewhere and read books and eat cheesies and swim, even, on december 25th!
and then i met patrick.
he transformed christmas. our first kiss - our first i love you - our engagement - all happened in one magical christmas vacation (i've still never been kissed at the stroke of midnight on new year's eve, but that's another story about too much juice and unfortunate bladder control). now, when christmas music starts to play, i think about my train ride to ontario. i think about the heart-thumping dazzliness of meeting patrick at the station. the dizzying ride on the subway. the pancakes we made for supper, then our walk in the snow when we both wanted to hold hands but didn't. the delicious smell of patrick's winter jacket. the incredible certainty that this was my one true love (and incidentally, no, i would not have to suffer through interminable christmases enviously watching my sisters be loved).
snuggling our feet under the table (sorry uncle bert ... hehe) - holding hands on the train - writing mushy notes to each other when we should've been wrapping presents - going for walks in the sweet kapuskasing cold, just to be alone and in love - not caring what we were doing, as long as it was together. it was a fabulous christmas, and now i love christmas, love remembering how we met and fell in love. i know that christmas is the time when we remember God's love for us, and His gift to us - Jesus. now that i have patrick's arms around me and his lips on my cheek, i've got my mind of off myself and my own stagnant self-pity. christmas is a light in the dark, warmth in the cold, and generosity in the face of want. it's the perfect reminder that God loves us outrageously.
as tiny tim says ... God bless us, every one!