romans 8:28

lately, i've been overwhelmed with how especially kind God is. this spring, life feels sweet.

last year was particularly tough - we lost our baby bean, and haven't really managed to get back to life as we knew it. everything reminds us - everything would have been different, and isn't. just by being the same, it hurts.

today i saw a little girl curled up in her parents' arms. she was born when the baby bean was due. it felt like a punch in the stomach, to see her. she's beautiful. and that would have been us.

another friend keeps posting pictures of her beautiful babies online. and that's great. i'm totally, completely glad for her. but every picture is a stab in the heart.
a mean little voice whispers in my head, you can't have this! you'll never have this!
and i want to set up a pity party - mull over each aspect of the life we're missing, stare at pictures and long to see myself in them, think about just why my sorrow is so much more piercing than anyone else's.

but God points out - relentlessly, ruthlessly - that this isn't what He has chosen for me this day.

what has He chosen?

patrick is a living, breathing example of God's love to me.
my graduation miracle was a huge gift (i thought i was going to have another semester of school, but i don't - i can graduate this month).
my family loves me like crazy, and takes care of me. every time i see them i feel God's arms around me. i have sisters and friends who love me. i have a crazy wonderful little brother i'd do anything for.

this - this! - is my life: the blessedness of being cherished in the palm of God's hand, the awesomeness of being in the deepest, closest marriage that has ever existed, the sunshine-joy of being an aunt to six adorables, and the definite awareness that He is working His plan for my life.

God is so patient with me. when my heart is torn and sore, He is especially kind to show me His love. when i want to curl up in a pity party, He doesn't let me. instead, He shows me that i am the last person to deserve one.

i'm blessed.

daily, i am more assured that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.