where i am now

last summer, patrick and i lost our baby. it was really tough. we'd been so excited. we were about 11 weeks along.

we knew it was a high-risk pregnancy, due to my pcos (polycycstic ovarian syndrome). still, it felt like all the lights in the world went out when we lost our baby.
when we lost our jobs a few weeks later, it didn't make our sorrow easier to bear. in fact, it seemed pretty overwhelming. after a summer spent in bed rest and then losing our baby, to lose our jobs and apartment on top of that felt like a cruel punishment.

we moved to fairview, got jobs, and i struggled through my last year of school. and it was a struggle. i just wanted to curl up and ignore the world, to mourn my loss, to cry. i hated going to school, watching other people get pregnant and carry babies, watching other people find jobs and live in nice places.

i can see now that my eyes were on the very small picture. i know i needed to mourn – and i did – and i leaned heavily on God and patrick and was carried through. i was so relieved to be done – done! - and i took a part time job so i could rest. i'd worked 6 days a week since january, and patrick wanted me to have a break.

before i applied for jobs, i asked God for some specific things. i wanted a job with:
-part time hours, so i could rest.
-sundays and tuesdays off, so i could still teach sunday school and esl.
-graveyard shift, so i could be on the same type of schedule as patrick.
and i got them all when i was hired at superstore, working in joe fresh. i worked wednesday through friday, and got midnight dates with patrick on our shared day off (monday). God had answered, and it was perfect. on top of all that, instead of listening to the two-hour mix tape that superstore blares, i started listening to sermons while i worked.

in an 8 hour shift, i usually got to listen to 6 sermons. it probably sounds really boring, but in reality, it was wonderful. i mostly listened to mark driscoll, sometimes rob bell - both dynamic speakers who always talk about Jesus. my mind was engaged, and not with my usual topic (myself), but with Jesus. i opened boxes and arranged clothes with my hands, but with my thoughts, i was deep into the Bible.
and without my even realizing it, my sorrow started to change.

i think, at the beginning of the summer, if God had asked me, “what do you want Me to give to you?” i would have said, “a baby.”

but now, what i want most is God. all of Him, always. i want Jesus to live through me. i want to do the good works He has prepared for me to do. i want to be close to Him, to delight in Him, and to acknowledge Him in all my ways.

what i mean is, i don't want a baby more than i want God's plan for my life.
He truly has directed my path.

i'm content to trust Him. i find my joy in Him. i just want to know Him more. and that's where i am now.