guess what ...

we're expecting!

against all odds, and totally unexpectedly.  the last letter we had from our specialist said we would not get pregnant without medical intervention, so we had pretty much set aside the idea of having kids biologically.

however, it seems that God had other plans. 

and we couldn't be more excited.

yes, of course we could still lose this pregnancy and be heartbroken, like before.  but you know what?  this is the verse that keeps echoing back to us, and we are not afraid of God's plan for us, whatever it is.

we're especially excited for sam.  we've always felt that he was born to be a brother.  he loves other kids, and seems to expand in their presence.  he's lovable and affectionate and protective and a little bossy ... he will be the most amazing big brother ever :).

we also - maybe - possibly - might be adding another little boy to our family later this spring.  he's sam's age, has been in foster care from day 1, and we pray with all our hearts that he will be placed in a loving home - and we're hoping that we will be able to be that home.

so who knows?  this fall we might be a family of five ...

bring it on. 

xo.

romeos

i remember reading in Reader's Digest about romeos, and after, always smiled to myself when i saw them.
not star-crossed younglings, but the acronymically ironic

retired
old
men
eating
out.

they do. a lot.  i guess after a lifetime of leaving the house every day, it's hard to stay in.  and i bet their wives enjoy it too ;).

the past few times i've been out with sam, romeos have just fallen head over heels in love with him.  i don't blame them -  there's something really appealing and engaging about his big eyes, his quick smile, and his willing laugh.  he's the most winsome little guy.

this morning i drove patrick to work, then popped in to mcdonalds for a hashbrown.  (i know, bad breakfast.  but i've been craving one for days.) 

the fort william mcdonalds is a romeo mecca.  the tables were almost filled with them.  cute little old men with cups of coffee and muffins, sharing neighbourhood gossip.  as i stood in line, i could see a few more crossing the street, waving cheerily at their friends inside. 

one romeo came up to sam and oohed and aahed over him (how could he resist?).  sam smiled and laughed and gurgled at him.

"it's nice of you to bring your little brother out for breakfast," the romeo laughed, winning us both over.

i think i've found the happiest morning place in thunder bay. 
i'm going to sneak in some morning and stay, and maybe they'll adopt us both as honorary members of their romeo club.

spoiled

patrick's work day starts at 7, so he's usually up and about by 545. 
some mornings i join him for breakfast, and we chat & read together until sam wakes up a little before 7.

this morning was not one of those mornings.  i was so tired i just couldn't get up that early.

so i sank back into sleep, and just before he left for work, patrick brought me a sweet bundle - a hungry sam, and a warm bottle already prepared.  it was so nice.  no staggering into a chilly kitchen to fumble in the bottle drawer.  no bleary-eyed waiting for the kettle to boil.  i didn't even have to get up.  i just laid in bed and cuddled sam while i fed him his bottle.

thank you, darling.  <3  you rock the world.

how was your morning?

patrick & i bought a new fridge. 

when we moved into our house, a fridge was included ... but it had been sitting for months, and was woefully moldy.  i scrubbed it top to bottom with lemon juice and baking soda, i used cloths and scrubbers and toothbrushes, i put little baking-soda dishes throughout, but nothing took away the moldy smell. 

we figure that there must be mold in the un-reachable, un-seeable spots.  it freaks me out, and i have not enjoyed cooking or eating anything from the fridge.

so we bought a new one!

it arrived this morning.  a lot earlier than planned.

i was talking on the phone with my sister, still in my pjs, and sam had just pooped.  my hair looked like several rats had been using it for nests in the night.

i figured that while they sorted their paperwork and unloaded the fridge, i had enough time to fix one of us.

yup.  i picked me.

with smoothed-down hair, jeans, and a sweater over my pj top, i figured i wouldn't look like the kind of lady who would carry a poopy baby around for ten minutes.  and i tried to keep his bum pointed away from their faces ;).

so now we have a clean fridge, a clean sam, and ...
er, i've got to run.

j'accuse

sam was in bed.  we were eating dinner for two.  there were crisp heart-shaped cookies on the table, waiting.


it sounds like the beginning of a great valentine's day post ... 

but somehow, something got messed up and supper ended with me crying about all the things patrick did wrong, today and other days.  and i fled to our room and curled up in the dark.

i fell asleep full of grievances.

God whispered me awake late in the evening.

half asleep, and i was still counting my woes like jewels, a rosary of accusation.

oh God, i wept against the empty bed, what is wrong?  it's late.  why isn't he in here apologizing?  yet another reason to be upset.  ugh.

you have not so learned Christ.

uh-

Satan is the accuser.

but-

Jesus came into the world to forgive, not to condemn.

my heart was stricken.  and with God's breath on my face, God's words in my ears, i could see my accusations clearly for the empty things they were. 

they were false.  i was looking at things through the most selfish mirror possible.  was i even upset with this man?  who worked hard all day and came home to fix the shower?  who had put sam to bed and done dishes while i made supper?  who had taken the time to email his love from work today, and everyday?  who stumbled downstairs to get me a drink in the middle of the night last night?  whose arms are ever eager to embrace, whose heart is filled with love for me and sam -  was i upset with - him?   

this spirit of accusation, this stubborn selfishness - sin, all of it. 

God, take it away.  i'm sorry.  i don't want to think like this anymore, evil.  i want to think Your thoughts.  You don't accuse.

No.  Je t'aime.

grace gets me every time.
daughter of my mother, i could feel my eyes prick, my nose turn red as the  meaning sank in.  i made my way downstairs, the walk of repentance that is so necessarily familiar.

my lover forgave me and laughed and kissed my tears away and stroked my back.  (so quickly?  no bitterness? God's way is always so surprisingly sweet, bursting like oranges in the mouth.)

Je t'aime. 
Je t'aime.
Je t'aime.

counting love like jewels, kiss of gratitude.
je t'aime.

shifting

we shifted (as they say in zambia).

what i mean is, we moved.

not very far.  maybe a 10 minute drive, in traffic.  but the biggest and most exciting part of the move is ... we moved from a teensy tiny 1-bedroom apartment to a house with 3 bedrooms!

so i've been busy unpacking, scrubbing, and helping little samjam adjust to his new digs. 

he had a few rough nights - i'm sure sleeping all alone in a big strange room was hard for him, and i certainly didn't begrudge him the midnight sobs and snuggles.  he's settling in so well now, though!  he adores climbing up and down the stairs, and as there are sixteen of them, he's nicely worn out at bedtime.  he's been sleeping 12-13 hours in a stretch, now that he's used to his new room. 

and we've been having a wonderful sleep ourselves!  there's lots to do as we make this house a home, plus we have a room of our own again ... bliss.

tonight patrick put up our living room curtain rods, and we have the cutest new curtains.  they're kind of old fashioned - patterned and textured - but they stood out from all the plain curtains in the store, and i'm so so glad i bought them.

pictures to follow when i find my camera again ... ;).