j'accuse

sam was in bed.  we were eating dinner for two.  there were crisp heart-shaped cookies on the table, waiting.


it sounds like the beginning of a great valentine's day post ... 

but somehow, something got messed up and supper ended with me crying about all the things patrick did wrong, today and other days.  and i fled to our room and curled up in the dark.

i fell asleep full of grievances.

God whispered me awake late in the evening.

half asleep, and i was still counting my woes like jewels, a rosary of accusation.

oh God, i wept against the empty bed, what is wrong?  it's late.  why isn't he in here apologizing?  yet another reason to be upset.  ugh.

you have not so learned Christ.

uh-

Satan is the accuser.

but-

Jesus came into the world to forgive, not to condemn.

my heart was stricken.  and with God's breath on my face, God's words in my ears, i could see my accusations clearly for the empty things they were. 

they were false.  i was looking at things through the most selfish mirror possible.  was i even upset with this man?  who worked hard all day and came home to fix the shower?  who had put sam to bed and done dishes while i made supper?  who had taken the time to email his love from work today, and everyday?  who stumbled downstairs to get me a drink in the middle of the night last night?  whose arms are ever eager to embrace, whose heart is filled with love for me and sam -  was i upset with - him?   

this spirit of accusation, this stubborn selfishness - sin, all of it. 

God, take it away.  i'm sorry.  i don't want to think like this anymore, evil.  i want to think Your thoughts.  You don't accuse.

No.  Je t'aime.

grace gets me every time.
daughter of my mother, i could feel my eyes prick, my nose turn red as the  meaning sank in.  i made my way downstairs, the walk of repentance that is so necessarily familiar.

my lover forgave me and laughed and kissed my tears away and stroked my back.  (so quickly?  no bitterness? God's way is always so surprisingly sweet, bursting like oranges in the mouth.)

Je t'aime. 
Je t'aime.
Je t'aime.

counting love like jewels, kiss of gratitude.
je t'aime.