ahh yes. that's you. i love you.

to know or not to know: apparently, that is the question!

patrick and i would like to find out our baby's sex during an ultrasound, if it's possible.  we had an ultrasound yesterday, but baby wasn't in a good viewing position, and didn't move, even with lots of prodding and hoping :)  however, we'll be going back for another ultrasound next month, and hopefully we'll get to find out then!

a lot of people think it's a shame to find out before the birth, because they like being surprised, and that's cool for them, but it's not something i value.  the idea of being surprised in the delivery room isn't a huge motivator for me.  i want to know in advance, to dream about this baby as he or she is, to imagine him or her in all the detail possible.  i was thrilled to read the measurements on the screen yesterday - the baby's femur, for example, is 3cm long.  and i love that femur more now, because i know something about it :).

for me, knowing the baby's sex is one more way to bond, to feel like the baby is more real somehow. 

i think it's kind of like when i fell in love.  we had only met once in person, but it was a pretty blurry memory.  i completely fell for patrick, though, when we started chatting on msn.  head over heels.  we spent hours online talking and getting to know each other.  i read his poetry and laughed at his jokes and saved our conversations to read and reread.  every word was magic and special because it was his.  but the screen wasn't enough.  long before we met again, i wanted to know how tall patrick was, the colour of his eyes, the way he did his hair.  not because i wasn't going to meet him in person, but because i was.  the wonder of seeing him in person was no less because i knew these things in advance - it was more like a feeling of

ahh.  

yes.  

that's you.  

i love you.

it's a delicious, familiar, run-into-your-arms kind of feeling, and that's the reason i want to know every single thing i can about our baby before we meet.  for me, being surprised couldn't compare with that feeling at all. 


or, you know, it might just be shameless curiosity and an unrestrained appetite for instant gratification.  just kidding.  but honestly, i'm pumped to be able to write 'he' or 'she' instead of the gargantuan he-or-she that i have to use now.  did you see how many times i wrote 'the baby' in this blog?  it's not like you don't know what i'm talking about.  but i can't say 'it' - the ungendered pronoun is too cold for my precious bundle of mystery.  but once we know, i can even use his or her name ...