Friday, August 28, 2009

a long journey

i feel like i'm getting back from a long journey. the kind of travel that couldn't be called a trip, the kind that leaves you changed inside - farther away from yourself, somehow, and older.
l.m. montgomery would call it an epoch - such a solid, old fashioned sounding word for "a particular period of time marked by distinctive features, events" (, the distinctive features and events being, of course, the loss of our baby and murky sorrow.

our baby brought us gifts. strange, i thought we were giving him life, but he gave us so much more than we gave him. he gave us the sweet wild happiness of first finding out we were pregnant - that was amazing, fun, dazzling.
then we had the happier joy of sharing the news with everyone, and shared joy is definitely multiplied. it was so fun telling people, and watching them light up and get excited with us.
when the pregnancy was threatened and the doctor put me on bed rest, our baby still kept giving. we hadn't known how loving and tender and thoughtful the christians here could be ... but we received letters and phone calls and emails, and emily even came over and made us supper. everyone shared their love and helped carry our sorrow.
when the baby died, we were so blessed as to have robb and angele visiting. this was one of the nicest, strangest gifts we received ... sharing the joy of being with them at the hardest, most mind-blowing time of our life together.
so, baby: we miss you every day. we miss the happiness you brought and left behind you. we miss the gorgeous way your heart beat and made ours race. we miss the way you reminded us minute-by-minute of God. you gave us so much joy, and when you left you took the very sunshine out of the sky. sometimes i can barely breathe because i miss you so much.

thanks to all of you who carried us in prayer - and to those loved us by sharing your own stories of sorrow and comfort.
september: back to school and a new start. i don't know whether to love or hate every day that takes us further away from our long journey.