Already Loved

I saw a rabbit on the road.

Dead;

Flattened against the asphalt 

With only

Two fuzzy ears

Perked straight up

As if, in his final moment,

He threw all of his might earward

Straining for one last word from God.

I, too, listen with all my might

And in the end

When I am dust

Perhaps my words will be left

Poking up for all the world like two ears

Listening and listening still 

For one more word from God.

(It will be what it always is:

You are already loved, already loved, already loved.)

Good Morning

I woke up.

I reached up to heaven.

God said good morning.

And I tumbled out of bed into his hammock

Into his arms

Into the eternal assurance 

That I am already loved.

How do words stick?

Stentorian: here's a thing I know

(When a voice is big and booming) So

How came I by this knowledge? Show 

Me where and when it came to grow.

Was it in a book I read and read

Until the phrase grooved in my head

And though I'd never heard it said

Or looked it up, it stayed. Or did

It filter in from magazines

A Reader's Digest, or Seventeen,

Or from the paper, smudging ink,

Or a cut-out pinned by the kitchen sink?

Words on words erumpent burst

From screens and passersby; at first

They flow and fill some inner thirst

And lie, dormant, for better or worse

Until circumstance calls one word 

The setting right, it must be heard

Vocabulary blooming, thick and fast

With words that stay, and stick, and last.

Something Just Like This

This morning, Pascal woke me up. I scooted over so he could crawl into our warm bed for a cuddle. "Snuggles with my precious mama!" he whispered in delight, "this is the best!"

When I came downstairs, Kachi called me over to tell me his dreams from last night. "Sometimes I know I'm dreaming because my brain is big enough to have the dream and know it too."

Sam interrupted then, eager to show me a funny reel he thought I'd laugh at, because his joys are always bigger when he sees them reflected in someone else's eyes.

As Vava came downstairs, she called out, "Janelle Labelle! I love you!"

Then Patrick came downstairs, ready to leave for work, but took a few minutes to smooch and hold me first.

And then I put on my headphones asked the internet for music while I made the kids breakfast, and this song came on:

Something Just Like This (click for a listen if you haven't heard it yet)

It couldn't have been more perfect.

I struggle with depression and often miss the deep goodness blooming wildly all around me. I know I am so lucky, and so loved, and I thank God for these goons every day. But some days the fog of constant demand is thick on my heart and I just can't feel it. 

Today I felt it.

Wishing you a free and fogless Wednesday with your eyes wide open to the love, dear friends.

Xo.

A Mostly-Silly Psalm

I wonder if

-when in possession of a tongue

That sings a glory note 

Upon tasting a nacho chip

Tangy with lime and cilantro-

Might it be a sin

To diet?

Maybe you feel God's pleasure when you run

And I feel His pleasure when

Butter meets fresh bread

And melts into alleluia.

Taste and see

Oh taste! Oh see!

That the Lord is good.

a soft ode to the snooze button

The long night's silence breaks with your alarm,

And the shifting of sky from black to navy

Lightens the edges of furniture in our room.

Today, we are tired.

We will take turns pressing snooze for another hour

Folded together like two pages of a love letter

Drifting in and out of mailboxes and carrier bags

Dreams and dreams opening up without

End or beginning.

I feel lucky

 Today was a busy day at school. On one of my trips whizzing through the hallways I glanced up and saw the kindergartners' St. Patrick's Day art on the walls. 

Each student had coloured in a poster with a shamrock in the centre, and the title read "I feel lucky!" The students had finished the sentences themselves.

"I feel lucky ... when my dad plays with me!"

"I feel lucky ... because I have food!"

"I feel lucky ... because I get hugs!"

"I feel lucky ... to have friends!"

"I feel lucky ... whenever I see my mom!"

And I had to stop reading because I was on my way back to class and did not want to arrive with a face full of tears. 

But my heart was split wide open.

And when I was zooming past that bulletin board, all the moms from the kinder class flashed through my head. Moms who seem to have it all together, and moms who seem a little more like me. Thin moms and fat moms, moms with chronic illnesses, addictions. Moms who roll up to the door in their pyjamas, still zipping up lunchbags. Moms with messy cars, moms with creaky strollers, moms with wagons, moms in boots. None of them are on the covers of magazines, none of them would make you look twice.

The kid who wrote "whenever I see my mom" isn't glad because their mom is perfect, flawless, radiant. They're glad because they love her. And they love their dad, and their friends, and food.

They count themselves lucky because they have eyes open to see their well-loved, delicious, ordinary luckynesses. 

Tonight I looked around. 

Yeah. I feel lucky too.

Erumpent

This morning, I learned that cattails have a gel inside them like aloe, and that their fluff was once used to prevent diaper rash, and that they can be turned into flour. Scraggly, ditchy cattails! I'd had no idea.

After work this afternoon I took Eevee for a walk. The sun was shining on snow, and the morning's sharp wind had died down. We were walking along a snow-covered pathway when she suddenly pounced, and nuzzled her long snout into a snow bank, then poked out one of her long paws and produced a mitten from deep down. She shook it back and forth, and then, distracted from her treasure by a chipmunk, pelted off down the path again.

Pigeons caught her attention next, swooping low over the water and flapping their wings loudly. Then a poodle on the far side of the river, and then the absolute delight of a freshly thawed and trickling stream. I wouldn't let her bound in, and after a while she let me draw her further up the path. She pawed at some old cattail husks, which sprang free of the snow and then lifted away altogether to reveal a strong and bright spring-green shoot. The yellowed stalk, papery and crumpled, had been hiding and protecting all that fresh, irresistible life.

It's minus sixteen with the windchill, and yet even here, hidden within the shell of last year's cattails, tender and strong plants are growing.

And in my heart an Easter spirit whispers, "life stepping out of death - fingerprint of God!"

And in my mind I'm listening again to an old podcast and hear Susie Dent explain erumpent (bursting forth, burgeoning with life).

The bright green stalk lies brilliantly against the snow.

And in my head Jeff Goldblum twinkles handsomely, "life, uh, finds a way."

A storm is coming tonight and I don't care. Winter might roar and shake his mane, but I saw spring today, and the ground is erumpent.

(Yes, I know silver doesn't turn into gold)

Gold

Sometimes when I see you bringing someone through the fire
Like, I mean really giving it to them -
Burdens and exhaustion and a really hard road
Without a single wheelbarrow in sight

I cry out
Dear Lord please stop their suffering --

And you say
No; I'm bringing them forth as gold.

And I ask
Can't they just be silver, God? Silver's nice. 

And you just keep working.
And you keep saying -
Gold.

And they grow rich and deep, warm and kind
Ready to listen, and quick to have compassion,
Slow to judge.

And they are beautiful.

Gold.

***

I was thinking about my friend Andrew tonight. He really went through the fire of suffering in the last few years of his life. It was amazing to watch him transform from an ordinary guy into a tender, compassionate man. I know he wasn't perfect - but I was so moved by the beautiful man he became as he carried the heavy burdens God put into his life. 

From the book of Job, chapter 23, verse 10 - [God] knows where I am going. And when he tests me, I will come out as pure as gold.

Inextricable

You know how it's impossible to slip out of the world without hurting those around you

Because our heartbeats and sinews are intertwined

Not just near each other

But part of each other?

And that means it hurts - it hurts so much - to lose a loved one, a dear one

Even just adjacent ones.

But it also means

We have purpose: staying:

Not wounding our loved ones,

Letting life flow through us-

Heart to vein to cell we are not

Isolated, we are not

Extricable.

We cannot step sideways into the sweet hereafter 

Without a tearing

We are flesh and blood

(Not only to our flesh and blood)

Our leaving 

Creates a wound

Our staying 

Prevents.

There is purpose in it, even when it feels empty.

There is value in it, even when a broken heart lies.

There is goodness in it, and love, and kindness

Just in staying

Just in not leaving

Just in existing

To prevent the wound.

Bone and flesh

We are each others'

Inextricably.

Stay.

On Pressing Snooze (or, Why I am Late)

There's a particular stage of tired

Where the alarm fails to rouse

But rather soothes like a lullaby

And the phone's dim vibrations against the mattress

Rock you back to sleep,

Back to sleep,

Back to sleep.

Like Plants

I'm sitting here scrolling through socials, oblivious to the world around me.

My leg is stretched out to Patrick, who is rubbing it.

Not because it's hurt (it's not) 

Not because I asked (I didn't)

Aimlessly, just because it's there and he loves me.

And it just struck me so 

How much we're like plants, stretching toward the sun

Arching toward love

Unconsciously turning our faces

Toward love, toward love, toward love.