this weekend, i had a lot of fun.
i spent time with family and friends and chased around after my super-busy samjam.
but there was one moment that seemed to bury the others. it hurt. feels like i got stabbed in the soul.
after all the insensitive comments people tossed my way before sam was born ("his family might change their minds, you know." "do you really think you could love him as much as your own child?" "how can his mother do that to him?" - yikes. each of these seriously needs a rant of its own), you'd think i'd be somewhat immune to the things people can say.
when the topic of my pregnancy came up, a very kind and sweet and well-meaning person said, "remember, things could still go wrong."
as if i was likely to forget! as if that aching possibility doesn't underscore every single beat of my heart!
i don't know what would cause a person to think that sort of thing is necessary to say. (i'm imagining a new line of cards along this vein ...
"congratulations on your new home ... but beware: it might burn down!"
"so glad to hear of your engagement ... he might be cheating on you right now."
"happy retirement! ... remember, you're likely to die before you enjoy it much.")
all joking aside, maybe she thought i was being naively happy, to rejoice in my pregnancy? at this, i can only shake my head. i am happy to be pregnant, to know there is a little life growing in me, a little baby conceived in love and knit by God. i make no apologies for rejoicing fully in the life that is. it is! miracle enough, even if it should end, even if this child never grows older.
and my happiness is not naive. i know exactly how costly this joy can be, first hand. that will not stop me from taking with both hands every ounce of bliss i am given. the spectre of what may be will not ruin the surety of what is.
i rest in God. my hope is not in this baby, my hope is in Him. what He sends, i will take.
and right now, He has given me joy. present, growing, tiny, extraordinary joy.
and i will not worry about what might be. i will exult in what is.