Monday, April 9, 2012

heartsore

this weekend, i had a lot of fun.
i spent time with family and friends and chased around after my super-busy samjam.

but there was one moment that seemed to bury the others.  it hurt.  feels like i got stabbed in the soul.

after all the insensitive comments people tossed my way before sam was born ("his family might change their minds, you know."  "do you really think you could love him as much as your own child?"  "how can his mother do that to him?" - yikes.  each of these seriously needs a rant of its own), you'd think i'd be somewhat immune to the things people can say.

apparently not.

when the topic of my pregnancy came up, a very kind and sweet and well-meaning person said, "remember, things could still go wrong."

as if i was likely to forget!  as if that aching possibility doesn't underscore every single beat of my heart!

i don't know what would cause a person to think that sort of thing is necessary to say.  (i'm imagining a new line of cards along this vein ...
"congratulations on your new home ... but beware: it might burn down!" 
"so glad to hear of your engagement ... he might be cheating on you right now."
"happy retirement!  ... remember, you're likely to die before you enjoy it much.")


all joking aside, maybe she thought i was being naively happy, to rejoice in my pregnancy?  at this, i can only shake my head.  i am happy to be pregnant, to know there is a little life growing in me, a little baby conceived in love and knit by God.  i make no apologies for rejoicing fully in the life that is.  it is!  miracle enough, even if it should end, even if this child never grows older.

and my happiness is not naive.  i know exactly how costly this joy can be, first hand.  that will not stop me from taking with both hands every ounce of bliss i am given.  the spectre of what may be will not ruin the surety of what is.

i rest in God.  my hope is not in this baby, my hope is in Him.  what He sends, i will take. 

and right now, He has given me joy.  present, growing, tiny, extraordinary joy.

and i will not worry about what might be.  i will exult in what is.

10 comments:

  1. i love you, janelle. sometimes it amazes me that people feel as if it is their personal duty to "ground you" or bring a "dose of reality" to a situation. i seriously don't know why those people just. don't. get. it. as if you don't know. they should jump on the prayer train with the rest of us and pray that things do go smoothly and as god has planned. xoxo

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  2. Good for you Janelle! Praying and thinking of your exciment often!!!
    And may I just say what a positive encouragement to ME you were when I was pregnant. I had lots of people telling me that it was 'early' and I could still miscarry. You told me, and I quote... "don't let them take away your joy! If anyone else tells you that send them my way and I'll stab them with a fork!"

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  3. Janelke, I wish I could re-post this blog everywhere so that those hurtful people could see! You have such a way with words, I only wish I could come to your defense too! Love, Mama C xox

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  4. someone once said, "people are stupid". Don't know who it was but it's true! Praying for you and your wee babe:):)

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  5. People suck. Having been in somewhat the same boat as you and also experiencing reactions that were less than joyful upon sharing my news made me want to punch people. Someone needs to tell those people that it's the doctors job to give you the statistics/risks/possibilities and everyone else's job to support and celebrate with you. Anyone that has had any kind of pregnancy complications or loss is well aware of how things can go and certainly don't need reminding or "grounding".

    Love you and am praying for you and baby.

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  6. Oh my sweet friend. It never ceases to amaze me how people just live in their own bubbles and can't see the effect their words have on other people. I love you. I'm glad you're so strong.

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  7. Janelle, I wanted to talk to you this weekend but thought you might find it strange that a total stranger wanted to speak to you, now I wish I had. I am a friend of Danielle's and go to the Hall in Timmins. We have been praying for you and Patrick and Sam and wee one since before you found out you were expecting this time. I feel as if I know you through the reports that we get of you through her. I wanted to tell you that you are an amazing Mommy! As I watched you this weekend, you glow with love for both Little Sam and your unborn child. Every child is a gift from God and I pray that you may have many happy years with both of them! God bless you and stay strong in Him who gives you strength!

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  8. Hold hard and fast to your joy, Janelle! Our Lord is in complete control of all things and it is such a comfort. So good of you to be gracious to that misguided person. I do know how you feel as I have been on the receiving end of comments like that. Hurtful comments about what am I going to tell my kids about their 'real' parents when the time comes. I too have had to bite my tongue and learn grace with these people. I will admit, however, that I find myself avoiding them a bit. Wimpy, I know, but there it is...
    We continue to pray for all of you and yours. Maureen

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  9. My precious daughter!!! I couldn't be more proud of you or more annoyed with people who just don't realize that their insensitive comments are sooo hurtful. Always be gracious in return. It heaps coals of fire on their heads. "A gracious woman retains honour" and you are a gracious woman.
    Love from the one who has loved you the longest. Mom

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  10. You've touched my heart yet again with how you share your heart and your love. The grace and glory of our amazing God shine through your words Janelle!

    Dallas

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