ten reasons to love patrick

1. the snuggles. lots of snuggles, all the time.
2. he's so easygoing. he's never fussy about anything ... for example, he's just as happy to have cheese & crackers for supper as anything else.
3. he's handsome. it's nice waking up to him every morning.
4. the laughs. goofing around and giggling makes my day. even being tickled is fun - within reason!
5. he's dear. he does things to remind me he loves me - like notes on my pillow, and phone calls, and emails, just to say he loves me.
6. he's selfless. he's worked hard for so long while i've been finishing school, waiting for his turn to go back and finish his degree.
7. sleep. he talks in his sleep and says funny things and even once gave me a backrub in his sleep.
8. laundry. he does it.
9. he loves my nieces & nephew. he's proud of things they do and he's always surprised when they want to spend time with him.
10. his family. getting to share them is a pretty big perk of being his wife :).

i was kneading bread
(flip, knead)
it was magic
(flip, knead)
the way something was forming
(flip, knead)
from nothing in my hands
(flip, knead)
smoother and smoother
(flip, knead)
until elasticity
(flip, knead)
was pressing back
(flip, knead)
against my palms.

every time, it rose
(flip, knead)
i pressed it down and
(flip, knead)
it sprang back, living.

i cupped both hands around it, listening,
and heard it singing in my palms.

my heart, the bread.
(flip, knead)
God's hands, the press.
(flip, knead)
still i rise, still i sing
(flip, knead)
as He knew, and knows
(flip, knead)
and knows, forever.

homemade paneer

i made cheese! wahoo! i was inspired by heart of light, and followed her recipe here.
it's so simple. here's how i did it:
ingredients: milk & lime juice (i added a smidge of hot sauce too, because i love it).

equipment: a big pot, a strainer, a cheesecloth (or, in my case, a thin dishcloth).

bring the milk to a boil on medium heat (this part took forever).

add lime juice and stir. wait for curds to rise.

pour everything into the cloth & strainer.

tie up the curds in the cloth, let the whey run out.

squeeze the cloth tighter, and suspend over the sink for half an hour.

unwrap the cheese.

keep it in the fridge for 2-3 hours to firm up. tadah!

paneer

tomorrow i want to make paneer! i'll try to remember to take pictures so i can show you how it turns out.
three cheers for cheese!

tv-free morning

today i took a break from watching tv.
i've been home sick since tuesday. i haven't been able to do a lot standing (nausea), so i watched a lot of tv & a few movies.
last night i realized it was easter weekend, and spent some time worshiping. i realized how empty my soul was, how i'd started living from one show to the next, without thinking of anything, doing anything, contemplating anything.
so i decided that it didn't matter if i was sick, i was going to have a tv free morning.
i woke up at 7 feeling great. my face keeps getting better, and i'm getting used to the nausea. so i took my antibiotics, and tidied our bedroom. sorting the laundry was the biggest chore (every single facecloth in our house is in the hamper right now).
when i finished that, patrick got home from work. he was ecstatic to see me up & looking almost human, especially because that meant i could make him breakfast while he showered.
i made eggs & toast, then we ate breakfast together.
patrick hung out in his office for a little bit before going to bed. he played me the most beautiful song by jon foreman - in my arms.
three more days until i can kiss him!
then i tucked him in and did some of the dishes. wasn't feeling so hot, so i curled up on the couch with a book - in the arena, by isobel kuhn.
ironically enough ... i was reading about isobel learning from her trials, and started feeling really rotten. so i called my dad and mom, and whined. (obviously, i wasn't getting the point)
they cheered me up.
i made some body scrub.
i finished the dishes.
i prowled around allrecipes.com for some good ideas. i haven't been able to go out, so my cupboards are getting thin. i am nicely stocked up on eggs, so i was reading the egg recipes and one caught my attention. no-yolk deviled eggs.
eggs are so eastery. so i made 5. the eggs kept making faces at me on the cutting board.
the finished product was pretty yummy! i didn't totally follow the recipe ... i made it with less potato, and i did include the yolks after all. they just seemed to feel so left out when i put them aside.
and i added some himalayan finishing salt (which sounds more adventurous than it tastes). and i used less mustard. and no pepper.
i don't have a piping bag, so they don't look all swirly and fancy, but they taste yumm-o.
i never would have thought of using potato. but it seriously rocks.
then my amazing momma showed up with two bags of groceries! frozen fruit, mango ice cream, salt & vinegar chips, mini eggs (and here i thought the deviled eggs were my easter!), mini cucumbers, cheese, and milk. it was SO nice to see her. i've been lonely.
i don't think there's anyone more beautiful in the whole world.
i took a picture of her to share with you, but i used the wrong setting. so here's a picture from last fall:
she also brought me the most beautiful piece of spring ... a gorgeous bouquet of tangerine colored daisies.when mom left, i suddenly realized it was time to take another dose of antibiotics. my tv-free morning was over ... and it was awesome.
too good to keep to myself.
i made stuff! i tried something new! i cleaned up!
and the whole time i did all that, i was thinking. well, maybe not the whole time. but for most of the time, i was using my hands and my brain and my heart and talking to God sometimes and making plans sometimes and being grateful sometimes. kind of like i think He intended.

beauty for ashes

"the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted ... to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified."
Isaiah 61:1&3

Jesus came to do all this. and daily He lives, doing this.

this week, i caught a brutal infection that totally destroyed my face. i went from looking like this:


to looking like this:


needless to say, i haven't felt very beautiful this week. in fact, i never feel very beautiful. but after looking like picture #2, i'm starting to have a whole new appreciation for the face in picture #1.
and that was a pretty cool thing for God to do for me.
but He went one better.
He gave me a husband who absolutely adores me, regardless of my face.
patrick has been off most of the week (he works all weekend) and it's been nice to spend so much time with him (in between nausea and trying not to scratch). we can't kiss or cuddle or do anything that might involve my face touching him, so we've spent lots of time at opposite ends of the couch, watching tv or just talking.
and he looks into my face, over and over again, smiles his awesome smile, and tells me i'm beautiful.
even though i look like picture #2.
i never expected that. i get nauseous just looking in the mirror - i pass out trying to put on the face cream the doctor prescribed, because touching this is so gross.

but patrick loves me - the inside me - regardless of how that is packaged. just like God.

patrick keeps teaching me about God. God keeps teaching me about patrick. and i love it.

earth hour

yesterday from 830 to 930, patrick and i loved the earth a little bit and did our part to save electricity.
this is how we spent our time:

we lit candles (woo woo!)
we finished baking cookies (i know, i know - this is using power. but we haven't used our oven all week, and it only went into earth hour for ten minutes)
i did the dishes
patrick read to me by candlelight
we went for a romantic walk under the sparkliest sky imaginable

it was a fun earth hour. three cheers!

i don't want to mark!

i just wanna bang on the drum all day.
i've been procrastinating ALL DAY LONG!
i have sooooo much marking to do and i just don't want to do it.
ugh.

this is what i did instead:

read a book.
napped.
talked on the phone.
creeped on your facebook photos.
picked out a pen to mark with.
made fries.
marked a few essays while they cooked.
ate the fries.
cleaned up.
read some more.
ate yogurt.
read some more.
played idly with my spoon and empty yogurt cup.
finished my book.
checked my email.
read lame articles on msn.com.
prowled on your blogs.
complained about marking ...

janelle labelle ... putting the pro in procrastination since 1982.

bubbles

i love refilling the soap pump in my bathroom. after i've poured the soap, i squeeze the air out of the refill bag before i close it up. it bursts out a swirl of bubbles and makes me smile.
i wish marking was this much fun.

heidi does shats

kmac came to the city and i got to see her! heid picked me up and we went to starbucks for drinks and laughs and admiring glances at kmac's new motorcycle jacket.
which i apparently can't say. it came out something like "i love your motel-cyker jacket." blagh.
also, i can't hear.
heidi told me she was doing ... well, i thought she said shats. i was surprised that our friendship had reached that level, until she noticed my disturbed silence and corrected me. stats.
things to work on:
speaking.
listening.

poured out

school has been really rough this past week. i feel ready to give up.
because no matter what i do, how much i care or give or plan or mark or try, my kids hate me. they don't want to be in class and they don't want to learn.

i feel empty and pointless.

poured out.

imagine a crystal pitcher, filled with clear, sweet, ice-cold water. the sun sparkles through it, condensation slides down the side. everyone who drinks from the pitcher celebrates the goodness of the water, appreciates its coldness, its refreshment. if the water had any sensibility, it would know that it is valuable. its pouring out would be worthwhile, and it would rejoice to be spent.

when king david was fighting, three of his warriors risked their lives to get him a drink from the well he longed for, near bethlehem.

when they brought it to him, he would not drink it but poured it out on the ground.

i imagine that that water, soaking into the ground, would not sense itself to be appreciated, valuable, worthy ... no, not even useful. in fact, it could even understandably be bitter - pulled from the well where thirsty people greet it gladly - now, splashed into the mud, rejected, useless.

the king's perspective, of course, was entirely different. the water was too valuable for him to drink, it symbolized the blood spilled by his men who loved him and spent their lives recklessly for him.

sometimes, God uses us for things we understand. we know that we are valuable and He is using us, carrying us in His hand for a clear purpose. being poured out at these times is a bright joy, a privilege, a higher calling. we rejoice to suffer, to be spent, to endure.

sometimes, though, it just seems pointless. we can't see God, and there seems to be no way He could be planning this murky pouring-out. we are spent, but there seems to be no gain on the other side. we are always losing, and for what benefit?

"Measure thy life by loss instead of gain;
Not by the wine drunk but by the wine poured out." - Ugo Bassi

we have no hope but this ... that our pouring out is an echo of His pouring out; our hearts, being broken, are being broken like His; our lives can be recklessly abandoned, as His was so freely given.

and He will keep pouring us out. our lives are not ours so we can be valued and appreciated.

our lives are His to pour out.

so what does this mean, to me, struggling and sick of my students and all their angst? where is God in my high school, what is His plan?

His plan has always been to make me more like Jesus. i am experiencing brokenness, i am enduring humility, i am increasingly helpless. my own strength was spent long ago, and i am running on empty. and if i am measuring my life by loss instead of gain ... there is at least something to measure. i have lost my preconceptions of myself as a good teacher. i have lost my complacency about classroom management. i have lost full nights of sleep. i have lost time spent with patrick. i have lost any sense of why i thought i would ever be any good at this in the first place.

i am being poured out.

New Semester

Today is the first day of the semester. I loved getting to know my new students - learning their names, and getting to know a little bit about them.
In one class, we made a talent chain: every student listed a talent on a piece of colored paper and we created a paper chain.
I was totally surprised by the talents in this class.
Languages people can speak: Arabic, Portuguese, Spanish, French
Instruments people can play: trombone, trumpet, drums, bagpipes (bagpipes?!), saxophone, piano, guitar ... I think a jam session should be an optional assignment :).
Other interesting talents - eyebrow plucking, reading aloud, writing poetry, selecting good music, synchronized swimming, car repair, spelling ...
These kids are awesome.

One thing that saddened me today was an unprovoked expression of hatred for a group of people. How to deal with that? I don't know.

I'm thinking of Erin Gruwell and the Freedom Writers, who learned about hatred and intolerance by reading about the holocaust. This helped them to see that hatred of groups is irrational and harmful.

Perhaps I will do The Chrysalids with this class. It talks about Tolerance and Communication. There is a lot to pull out of it.

Anyway, overall - an awesome day. My students are funny, smart, creative, and talented. I'll have to do a lot to challenge and channel that potential.