"I Can't Hold"

When Kachi was really small, he used to put something down that he was supposed to be carrying, and tell us, in a voice with true distress, "I can't hold!" This would usually happen when it was time to tidy up, or help set the table, or do something that he wasn't already wanting to do.

Because he was such an early talker, sometimes we forgot that he wasn't always able to express himself with precision. So when he told us "I can't hold!" the first few times, we wondered - is it something physiological? Neurological? Is his grip not as strong as it should be?

We tested it out the next time he panicked. 

"I can't hold!"

"Can you hold a chocolate?"

"Of co'se!" And he would happily, easily hold a chocolate. Grip is fine, physical function is fine. So then we thought maybe he was trying to get out of the chores - can't hold, pfft. But that theory didn't fit well with his eager character, his helpful happy demeanour. He was usually proud to help. Plus, he was obviously upset.

It took a while before we realized that "I can't hold" was his tiny tot way of telling us that he was maxed out. "I can't take it anymore!" his grandmother might have sighed when feeling the same way; "I can't even!" his mom might have said with exasperation.

And lately his expression has been echoing in my head. Life is a busy whirl. The news - globally, and right next door - makes my head hurt and heart ache. And I try to make a difference and I try to help - globally, and right next door - but sometimes I can feel my fingers slip. 

"I can't hold," I cry.

And sometimes God comforts me with chocolate.

And sometimes he sends me love through the deep kindness of my friends.

And sometimes he just reminds me that I don't have to. I don't have to fix the world or even my neighbourhood. I can let go, and anything that falls will fall into his hands.

It has been there all along anyway.

Merry Christmas, friends.

Xo.

‭‭Deuteronomy 33:27

The eternal God is your refuge, and his everlasting arms are under you.