Wednesday, January 18, 2012


today, a knock came at my door

just when i was least prepared for it.  half my hair pinned higgledgy-piggledy all over my head, the other half wild and unstraightened.  my forehead smeared with zit-cream.  sam playing in the tub; dry, contained.  dirty laundry on the floor.  toys everywhere.  a blow-dryer and straightener taking up the precious small counter space.  computer on.  book open.  bed (oh, thank heaven!) made, but covered with the spilled box of diapers.  teeth: unbrushed.

it was the repair man.  he's been in and out for months, dealing with a leak in our bathroom ceiling.

he always comes at bad times: nap time, bottle time, stinky diaper time.

i've given him our number time out of mind, and asked him to call before coming.  he keeps forgetting.

so he came and barged in to all the messiness

seeing me as i am (rumpled, dirty, harrassed, reluctant) and not as i like to be (smooth, clean, peaceful, welcoming).

seeing me frustrated, baby crying, hair undone, bathroom woefully untidy.  ugh.

why didn't he call?  does he think it's just okay to barge in?

i took sam into our bedroom and closed the door.  i cleaned, furiously, making faces at the bathroom.  grr. 

the door rattled closed, and God called to my heart. 
upset?  about being found in the messiness of living?   angry? about being intruded upon?   ashamed?  of the craziness?
yes, all three.

is that really what i build my day around?  the pretense?  is my sense of peace wound around such easily-upset things as the state of my hair and bathroom?

oh, i need a stronger foundation!
the strongest foundation i know: the God of eternity.  He does not change.  He is not surprised by leaks or repairmen.  He does not assess me based on my messy house or hair or unbrushed teeth.  He has made me - not to be a woman who pretends she has it all together, but a woman who can know Peace, even in the crazy jumbled-up messiness of life.

my heart cries for Him.  for peace.  the kind of peace that can answer the door with hair half-done, and say "please come in" and mean it.


  1. I so understand. I feel like a failure if my house is messy and I look gross. Defi itely need to try and let that go!