Tuesday, May 1, 2012

baby bump and the g-word

this is an entirely girly and hormonal post.  feel free to stop reading here  :)

i'm showing.
i mean, you can tell, when you look at me, that i'm expecting.

i was excited about that - when my belly popped out overnight, i thought it was great.  whee!  now, not only my friends and family will talk to me about the baby, but strangers will too!  fun!  i could talk about this kid all day long, and haven't even met him or her yet :)

and then someone asked when i was due and raised her eyebrows and looked at my belly again and sighed you sure have a long way to go.  for someone as big as you are  was the implied rest of the sentence.

ugh.

i know i'm probably being pregnant-lady-hormonal, but that snooty little observation got me where it hurts.

i don't want to be shallow, but all of my friend have the cutest little baby-bump pictures.  they have tiny arms and legs and the sweetest big round bellies.  they look like kids playing dress-up with balloons under their shirts.

and i'm sad because i know i won't look like that.  because i don't look like that.  i'm already big.  i could have been taking 4-month-bump pictures for years.  people tell me to take pictures of my baby belly and my mind squirms ugh!  why?  and now when people happily squeal oooh you're showing, i have to discipline my cringing.  

i think pregnancy is beautiful and awesome.  and it makes me sad that i'm feeling this way about my own body and my own baby bump.  and yes, it even makes me feel the dreaded g-word ...

guilty.

haven't i wanted this for years?  am i not glad that this unexpected miracle and blessing is literally blossoming before my eyes?

yes and yes, of course, a thousand times yes.

but there you have it.  i still feel massive and awkward and unhappy about my baby bump ... and doubly unhappy that i'm unhappy about it.

:(

i searched some pregnancy sites to see if anyone else struggles with this - and they do!  and i even found a blog post with some sympathetic advice. 

so, if any of you are feeling the same way, take a look at this letter and its response.  it kind of cheered me up a little bit, and helped with the guilt.


:)


10 comments:

  1. Janelle, you are gorgeous. How is that for a g word <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ugh... Comments about how big you are from others are the worst! I ranted in several blog entries about it haha. Pregnancy is a beautiful thing, no matter your shape or size. Just try to concentrate on that little miracle in your belly :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Don't worry Janelle, it's always worst when your belly just pops. I don't think anybody feels overly attractive at that stage. Give it a few weeks, it will start to get nice and round and you will be glowing! You're already beautiful. xo

    ReplyDelete
  4. you're hot anyway. i always thought so.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I didn't have any such thing as a cute baby bump when I was pregnant with Ashlin...I was just big everywhere (remember, I had to borrow your shoes because my feet were so swollen?) And look how amazing Ashlin is! I can completely understand the sentiment, but it is just Satan trying to take away your joy. I had 3 adorable dolls when they were little. They were perfect in all of the "oh, cute" ways, but Satan constantly tried to steal my joy. He'd whisper, "Too bad you can't afford to dress them in those adorable, expensive clothes and have professional pictures done." or "Sure, they're cute, but you're too stressed out to enjoy them." or many, many other things that cut straight to my heart.
    xoxoxo You're my perfectly adorable preggo sister!!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. You are absolutely beautiful and I can't wait to see the beautiful baby bump!

    Love you just the way you are,
    Mama C xox

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oh, my dearest daughter! I can sooooo feel your pain! But please do not let Satan rob you of the joy that God has given you. What a master joy-killer he is! You are so beautiful and exactly what God has made you. You have a husband and a whole family who think you are the best!! Who said that beauty is defined by a little round belly and tiny arms? I can't wait to see the baby bump ! I know it is adorable!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Well, well. Your body will change. It will be bigger of course while you carry the baby...it MAY be bigger afterwards, but not necessarily, it will be different. I would suggest it will be better. Truely. I carried 8 babies to term, 2 @once. I was big. My body is different than before. My husband thinkds it's awesome. Who else do I have to impress? : ) xoxox
    Very excited for you. We have had 6 years of infertility, can't imagine how exciting it is to conceive. Beth

    ReplyDelete
  9. PS. Pregnancy hormones will play with your emotions. I did not take myself too seriously when pregnant or post partem. No major decisions aloud~was my motto! xo Beth (again) xo

    ReplyDelete
  10. Janelle...I felt ugly my entire pregnancy. My feet were extremely swollen and my vericose veins were painful. During my pregnancy, time seemed to drag and I never believed anyone when they said I looked "cute" or students would comment on the "perfect roundness and shape of my belly". I looked in the mirrorand saw something entirely different Then what others saw.

    I have to say though that my weekly photos of my growing belly are something I love looking at now. Without my crazy hormones playing tricks on me, I now believe everything people told me about my belly...truthfully, at times I miss it....especially because I used it as a shelf to hold my plates and drinks.

    Even though you mat not believe it, your baby belly is beautiful and the miracle inside is beyond beautiful.

    Congrats!
    -Christine

    ReplyDelete