it's the endings of things that help me to see them clearly. the being-over, the finality, the last page closing shut softly - then opening my eyes and letting my heart savour what was.
maybe it's the price paid for bookworminess -
i'm almost unable to see the story until it's over. once the last page falls to rest against the fullness of the others, i can taste it, whole.
i can't seem to get the flavour of things when i'm only partway through.
the last cheesie is the tastiest. the last piece of burger - pickley, mustardy - tastes most truly like summer.
to me, always, the last bite of anything is the most delicious.
when something ends, that's when i really begin to enjoy it. to enjoy it in the deepest sort of way, thinking it over and seeing it from different angles.
i think that's why i always hark back to zambia. my trip ended, i came home, there was a definite finality. an end. the book closed, my plate was licked clean. and moments stand out in my mind whole, defined, complete.
and i long for that delicious time, my heart hungry for the beauty and clarity and reality.
but i want to be able to enjoy the now. this moment. to taste it, live and vivid and as it is. i don't want to wait for an ending to enjoy this, i want to savour each second of now.
when i was younger, there were lots of markers. new school years, new teachers, tracked my years and months in regular passage. annual events cycled through the calendar - easter, christmas, birthday - bearing a weight and significance. they were heavy in my hand, delicious like an orange that i peeled and ate piece by piece. now - perhaps there have been too many? - they pass like any other day, my heart doesn't really register their weight.
and so i don't see the endings, and i worry they will pass too blurrily, too quickly to taste.
i think this must be why people scrapbook, or take annual family photos, or even - maybe? - blog. to save the moment, to turn it over in their hands and see it from its different angles. to close the page, and see the story whole.
how do you capture the weight or savour the significance? any suggestions for me?