Tuesday, July 3, 2012

beginnings and endings and getting older

it's the endings of things that help me to see them clearly.  the being-over, the finality, the last page closing shut softly - then opening my eyes and letting my heart savour what was.

maybe it's the price paid for bookworminess -

i'm almost unable to see the story until it's over.  once the last page falls to rest against the fullness of the others, i can taste it, whole. 

i can't seem to get the flavour of things when i'm only partway through.

the last cheesie is the tastiest.  the last piece of burger - pickley, mustardy - tastes most truly like summer.

to me, always, the last bite of anything is the most delicious.

when something ends, that's when i really begin to enjoy it.  to enjoy it in the deepest sort of way, thinking it over and seeing it from different angles.

i think that's why i always hark back to zambia.  my trip ended, i came home, there was a definite finality.  an end.  the book closed, my plate was licked clean.  and moments stand out in my mind whole, defined, complete. 

and i long for that delicious time, my heart hungry for the beauty and clarity and reality.

but i want to be able to enjoy the now.  this moment.  to taste it, live and vivid and as it is.  i don't want to wait for an ending to enjoy this, i want to savour each second of now.

when i was younger, there were lots of markers.  new school years, new teachers, tracked my years and months in regular passage.  annual events cycled through the calendar - easter, christmas, birthday - bearing a weight and significance.  they were heavy in my hand, delicious like an orange that i peeled and ate piece by piece.  now - perhaps there have been too many? - they pass like any other day, my heart doesn't really register their weight.

and so i don't see the endings, and i worry they will pass too blurrily, too quickly to taste. 

i think this must be why people scrapbook, or take annual family photos, or even - maybe? - blog.  to save the moment, to turn it over in their hands and see it from its different angles.  to close the page, and see the story whole.

how do you capture the weight or savour the significance?  any suggestions for me?

8 comments:

  1. as i was reading that, i was just thinking... we could consciously end our days. you know, maybe that's what people do when they talk about what was the best part or the worst part of the day, they close the day. do you think it would be helpful if we, you know, before going to bed or something, talk about the day, thank God for it and end it. then you can lie awake in bed and think about your day and look at it from its different angles and enjoy it and savour the significance of its moments. :) i love you. thanks for blogging, J.

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    1. thanks love! best part of yesterday? sam giggling on the swings when you were pretending to eat his feet :D

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  2. Boy you guys are a nice couple. I love the way you communicate with one another so positively, helpfully, and with such clarity.

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  3. I know what you're saying Janelle (although I couldn't have put it in those words) and I think what Patrick said is true. If each day is a new gift from God, you can open it every morning, giving thanks, and asking for wisdom to make the most of it. And at night you take the time to reflect and give thanks for the countless ways God blessed and guided throughout 24 long hours in which the most unpredictable things could have happened, and yet He carried you through. A big part of it is really just relishing the fact that we get to go through every moment of life in the presence of God, which is the ultimate joy in life. To live in the moment and give every moment purpose is to constantly be aware of His presence and love. Funny you wrote about this because its been on my mind lately and might end up as a blog post if it all comes together in my thinking! Still looking at the different angles, as you say. Thanks for sharing your thoughts! xo

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    1. i can't wait to read it, gwen :) i love your blog and the way you say things. i'm always so excited to see a new post from you!

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  4. I especially find that time is flying by now that I've had Isaac. With Mac I never had last baby nostalgia like I do now with Isaac. I am trying my hardest to enjoy every moment because I won't likely have the chance to do all these newborn things again. And each milestone is so bittersweet.

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    1. ohhh i can't even imagine how it must zip by with two! it seems like time passes exponentially faster now that sam is here - and soon we'll have vava too - does your heart spin trying to capture it all?

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